As I move through social media postings, I see so many posts that talk about the bad things that are happening during this pandemic. Every morning, news articles are posted that give details about how many new cases have been reported or, sadly, the number of new deaths related to the virus. There are stories of families struggling to make ends meet due to loss of work because some bug has spread across the globe. Children are stuck at home unable to be with their friends, teachers, classmates. Times are anything but “normal” and it looks like it will be a while before anything close to what we knew will return.
With all this happening, tonight’s writing might seem a little strange. For tonight is about realizing that one can find things to be joyful about during this time. I think I came to this understanding as we have worked with our daughter. Since she is a twelve-year-old, we are constantly keeping a check on her and where she is mentally during this time. We worry about how this could affect her now and going forward. She sees the stories, she hears the news, she has friends whose parents are no longer working, and she has relatives that she worries about. The events of this time would make it easy for anyone, young or old, to fall into despair and lose hope.
However, it is okay to find hope and joy during this time. It is okay to share happiness. It is alright to continue to live during this time (even while stuck at home). I think the difference is that during this time, joy is found in smaller, simpler things. We need not go anywhere to find the good in the world. It is all around.
Sometimes the hardest part is not in finding the good and joy, but in giving yourself permission to allow have those feelings. During conversations, I have heard colleagues speak of how something good was happening, but they felt bad to be excited since so many others were going through such tough times. But it is okay. One needs to look for those moments for those moments are what will get us through this time. It will be the times of smile and laughter that we will want to remember when we look back.
The best part of wanting to find joy and happiness is that you do not have to look far. While I often want to turn off the news, I will give the media credit in their attempts to balance out the program with good things that people are doing for each other. Almost every night, there is a video of a child receiving a parade of friends, family, fire trucks, or police to wish them a happy birthday. Today, our daughter’s principal received his own parade as a thank you from the staff for guiding them through this time.
There are stories of people bringing food to families that need some help. Children are donating allowances so that masks can be purchased for hospitals. Musicians are streaming live every night to bring their music into homes. People are stepping up all over the country to help one another. This list is long and it has yet to even mention those people who are working long, hard hours to provide medical care, food, fuel, power, and other essential services. While there is much sadness around us, there is just as much joy as well.
It is okay to be happy. It is okay to enjoy being at home with your family. It is okay to find the beauty in the nature that is growing around us (well maybe not the peacocks screeching at 4 a.m.). It is okay to slow down and be aware of the silence and lack of constant go-go-go. Give yourself permission to find the good, find the happiness, find the joy.
If you cannot – then reach out. Call that friend, family member, coworker. If you struggle to find the happiness, please do not go it alone. It is okay to ask for help. This time is showing us just how much we can take care of each other. So give yourself permission that if you cannot find happiness, you can find someone to be with you until you can.
I sit here less than a week into the stay-at-home orders.
Since October, I have been working at home most days of the week, so things are
not that different for me. My wife and our daughter are working through this
being at home all day. Even here, there is an advantage since this would have
been their spring break. It will be interesting how things play out over the next
few weeks as my wife starts teaching math via distance learning, and our daughter
starts lessons through the same method.
The hardest part for us has been the slowing down of life.
Normally with work, school, dance, scouts, church, and other activities, we are
always on the go. We are getting used to a quieter lifestyle. We are trying to
keep a schedule. We take family walks. We are reading our Bible. We eat dinner
together as well as lunch and breakfast. So, the “hardest” part is actually a
good thing for us. We are strengthening our bonds. We are doing what is asked
by staying home and not spreading germs. Not too tough. However, I must be careful
that I do not take what is easy for us and think that it is the same for
others. It is not. We are lucky.
As we went on one of our walks, our daughter an I took a
turn while my wife went straight. The two of us talked as we walked the empty
streets. The only noise was our voices as we talked about what cleaning needed
to be done or her studies. We walked by a school playground. Our daughter
stopped and looked through the fence. There in the middle of the pavement of a
school that had been closed for 5 days laid a jacket. We assumed that it
belonged to a young girl. Our daughter just stood there looking at the jacket
for a minute. She finally looked at me and just said, “That’s so sad.” Her
voice matched her statement.
I finished off our walk thinking of the jacket. Thinking of
a child who left school one day forgetting her coat, and probably thinking she
would get it the next day. The girl might have other jackets, I don’t know. But
in my mind, I picture a young child sad that she no longer has her favorite coat.
It sits there in the middle of the school grounds getting rained on (and we
have had a lot of it over the last week). Peacocks (yes, we have them) might
walk over it and rip it with its sharp talons. Most likely this jacket will
never keep a child warm again.
This simple coat made me aware of the troubles that so many
people are experiencing. I am not talking about the shopping or the lay-offs or
the stock market. I am talking about the safety of the children. Perhaps it is
the former teacher in me that takes me there, but I walked home worried about
the safety of the children. The children and others.
Based on the orders to stay home, the end date will be more
than a month after the original request. That means a month of children being
stuck at home and very little outside contact. Most of the children will be safe,
but there will be so many who will be in harms way. Teachers see so much. They
see the hunger, the fears, the hurt that children carry, but now there will be
no one to see.
I fear for the children who suffer abuse at home. Who will
be there to protect them? Families are going to be stuck together in their
homes. Stress of what is going on in the world will affect so many. With stress
comes so many other emotions. I fear that those pent-up emotions will be
released on to the innocent child. I think of the child who might have used
school as a safe place to spend hours away from harm. One who no longer has
that safe place with which to go.
This staying at home will get to each of us. At the same
time, we need to find a way to protect those who cannot protect themselves.
I am normally one that tries to offer solutions when I find
a problem. Today, I am stuck. I have no solution for this one. We need a way to
ensure that while families are dealing with the current struggles that they
have a way to be safe.
I know that people make fun of those who say prayers are
being offered, but for now, all I can do is pray that those children will make
it through this and be able to return to their safe place.
There are times when you are asked to do something – maybe forced
– that turns out a little differently than expected. 12 years ago, this
weekend, I had just such an occurrence. It has stuck with me through the years,
and I always revisit this memory during the Christmas season.
On December 16, 2007, I went to church. I was looking forward
to the Mass and being able to sit and listen to the service. A friend had a slightly
different idea. Suzie worked for the parish. As the head of Liturgical
Ministries, she often sought out ways for the parishioners to hear about God’s
work in our lives today and for the people sitting there in those pews. She
wanted people to know that God was not dead.
As I sat alone in the pew, she approached me and had one of
those looks on her face that instantly told you she had a favor to ask. I was
not wrong. During the season of Advent (and as we prepared to give gifts at
Christmas), Suzie wanted people to share that greatest gift that God had given
them. Prior to each Mass, she had a young person, dressed as Mary, say a few
words about God’s gifts to the world and then ask who would like to share a
gift they had received. Suzie knew the audience and knew that she should have
some people set up to share – just in case. So, there she stood next to me
while I tried to act as if I was still in prayer. She stood. I knew there was
no getting out of the favor, so I let her explain and agreed.
She told me that two other people had also agreed and that
if no one offered, “Mary” knew to go to us. She was to go to the others first
and then me. She told me that I didn’t have to give a speech – just a simple sentence
was all that I needed and then I could sit down – IF I was even needed.
The time came for Mass and Mary took the altar. She gave a wonderful
explanation of God’s gifts. She then stepped down off the altar and looked
around at all the attendees and asked, “Is there anyone here who would like to
share about a special gift that they have received?”
Every parishioner’s eyes looked down as if all of a sudden
something happened that demanded shoes be inspected. Mary looked to gift
receiver 1 and 2 who appeared to have forgotten that they were going to share. One
was close enough to me and said, “You go and then I’ll do it.” I guess it is
easier after one person speaks.
Poor Mary started to look lost. I raised my hand only high
enough for her to see the movement. A sense of relief washed over her as she
started to me with mic in hand. I stood. In my mind, I was going over the 14
words that I had planned to say. Speaking in church was not new to me. I have
shared my testimony a number of times. However, on that day…on that day, I just
wanted to say 14 words and sit. God had other ideas.
As I took the mic, the 14 words left my head. The words just
came out and I let them go. I still remember the words.
If I had been asked this question a few months ago, last
week, or even two days ago, I would have said that God bringing my wife, Nancy,
into my life was the greatest gift I had ever received. I made it to 40 without
having found a person with whom to share my life and love. God’s plan was to
make me wait for the greatest person I could have ever found. However, two days
ago God gave us both a new present. He gave us the joy of a little girl. Two
days ago, we were blessed with the present of our daughter, Audrey. So for that
gift, I am forever thankful.
I handed the mic back to Mary. She looked for someone else,
but no one volunteered. After Mass, a friend looked at me and asked, “How was
anyone supposed to follow that?”
It has been twelve years and if asked that question today, I
would have the same answer. Every year, during this season of giving, I am
reminded of the two greatest gifts I have ever been given – the joy of sharing
my life with my wife and the honor of caring for our daughter. No other gifts I
have or will receive will ever outdo these two.
A little over a week ago, I attended a wonderful celebration
where I was surrounded by joy and love. I have been wanting to write about it
since I got home that night. I have wanted to share the events with the world.
Yet days have gone by. I have opened Word multiple times and started typing. I
do it once again tonight – wondering if I will complete what I start. You see,
it is not the event that keeps me from completing this post, but fear. I fear
how others will react to what I am about to share. So far, my posts have been simple
and written in a way to avoid any type of conflict with my readers. It dawned
on me that if I am going to be free to write – then I must take that risk and
be free with my writing.
I moved California over 19 years ago. Between my time in the service and living in California, I have friends from all walk of life. I count myself lucky to have this group of people to call friends. I often wondered just how open I was as a person and my willingness to stand by these people. For the last few years, there has been an event that I assumed would eventually happen, and I did not know just how I would deal with it when it occurred.
That event is that of which I write. I stood together with a small group as two wonderful people stood together to say their vows in front of family and friends. These women promised to be true to one another, support each other, and to love each other for now and forever. I watched them marry one another and the only word I could use to describe my feelings was pride. The same pride I had/have when I watch any one of my friends take this step of love for life. So why would something that filled me with pride and tears cause me fear to write about it? As you can tell by the title, my religion is part of it. However, the friends I have had since birth and throughout my adult life are more the cause. I have conservative, faithful friends. By attending this beautiful ceremony, they may question whether to continue their friendship with me. It is time to stop worrying about that and share why I chose to attend this beautiful ceremony.
The two friends I watched walk down the aisle, first with their fathers and then back again together, are the most incredible, selfless people I have ever met. They are better people than I can ever be. Both would do anything for a person in need – friend or not. They are the most caring couple that I have met for many years. They share not only a love for one another but a love for life and every thing in it. They have taught me to be a better person. They teach by example – not words. Yet, that is just a small reason.
Here is the most important thing of why I share my friends with you. These two are stronger individually than most people I know. They are even stronger together. I know that I am fortunate that I was born a white, heterosexual male in the United States. While I, just like every other person, have troubles and obstacles, I cannot even begin to fathom what it took for these two to not only find one another, but to fall in love, and even more so to stand up and pledge their love. Their strength is something to draw on. Their strength is something from which others can learn. They gave up worrying about how the world would see them, or even if it would accept them. They knew that the other was more important than world.
The question still comes on how I, as a Catholic, could
stand there and condone this marriage. That was not hard for me. First – I
would do anything for these two people. They are more than friends. In the last
seven years, they have grown to be more like family. I could not abandon my
sister.
I also drew from my faith to be able to attend. Jesus taught us, me, that we are supposed to love one another. He did not care how people saw those with whom he kept company. He kept company with those who loved him. He did not pick the people who wanted to be by his side, he just said, “come.” If He was willing to welcome everyone into his life, how can I turn people away. I have learned to love one another as He has loved me. My love is far from perfect, but I work at it each day.
Here is what my two friends have taught me. I am far from
perfect, and if I am not perfect – how can I even pretend to judge another
person. Love is pure. It doesn’t ask what one looks like. It cares not for the
color of your skin or your gender. When love is as pure as what I have
witnessed, I can only stand next to it. Finally, one must have strength to
stand up in this world. I am ready to stand up in this world.
If my sharing the love of these two people loses me friends, then I am saddened. Saddened that that would be the thing to call an end to friendships. I leave you with just a few questions. How many people of faith have you witnessed being Holy on Sunday and otherwise the rest of the week? I have seen people commit to a life of love only to realize in a few years that it was not the right person. I stand by those friends just like I stood by these two, and I hope they will stand by me. Finally: Would you truly turn your back on a friend if you found out that they were Gay or a Lesbian? What if it was your child? I do not know how the life of our daughter will turn out. I only hope that no matter what turns her life takes, I can be there to support her and walk that path with her just the way these two dads did.
These two wonderful people are not out to change others.
They are not out to convince people to turn away from their faith. What they
are is two people who want to be able to share their lives in love with one
another. They want to be able to express that love without judgement. They
want, and for the life of me I cannot figure this out, to be able to live the
same way I do.
So, I raise a glass to these two amazing, caring, wonderful, loving women. I wish them a long and happy marriage. I pray that the love that they share today grows each and every day. I wish them a day when they no longer need to be strong just to be in love.
We are currently on our district’s spring break. After
spending the first few days puttering around the house and checking things off
the to-do list, we left the city behind to spend a few days up in the mountains.
While my wife and I still do some work for our jobs, it seems like the stress of
the jobs cannot traverse up the nearly 7000’. We have some great family time
and downtime. However, I also take advantage of the area and go for some lengthy
walks. The walk of yesterday is where I meander with this posting.
I love to go out early when the sun is just starting to peak
about the peeks. The quiet of the time and lack of human movement allow me to
let go and just let my mind wander while I move about the path of which I have
chosen. Yet yesterday’s walk seemed to come with a more focused mind than other
wanderings. My mind kept comparing this simple event to life. Parts of life and
life as a whole.
My walk started within the warmth and love of my home. Since
the temperature stood at a brisk 27 degrees, I prepared to leave the house by
putting on layer upon layer. The home contained a loving, supporting family. I didn’t
want to leave, but, much like a young person reaching adulthood, no matter the
love and support, there comes a time when the door must be opened and out you
step.
Standing on the back porch, it did not seem bad. I had a
feeling of “nothing could hold me back.” That young 20 something came to mind
as he might be graduating college, entering an apprenticeship, starting a new
job, joining the military – any number of paths that would be awaiting – all that
takes is that first step – of the porch I went.
So many different paths stood before me when I reached the
end of the drive and the first intersection. I could go left, right, forward, or
back. The path, while it could be suggested to me by others, was mine to
choose. Straight-on with a goal in mind, I stepped.
The first part of my walk had me moving forward, making a
turn when needed, choosing not to go down paths that looked to be dead ends,
ignoring options that, I thought, might take me from my goal. My head stayed
down watching the road for after the harsh winter, it was anything but smooth.
There were potholes, cracks, rocks, and large puddles that I had to avoid. Eyes
down from other distractions that might trip me up. I moved just like a young
person trying to obtain their goal. I was full of energy and the goal seemed
simple.
Soon I reached the first uphill. The road was still treacherous
to the step and now the first incline started. I hadn’t noticed it while
walking amongst the houses, but now I realized that there was a slight breeze.
As luck would have it, the breeze was a tailwind, pushing from behind. I felt
the wind as fingers and then a whole hand pushing me up that first obstacle. It
was as if nature wanted to help me reach that goal. I thought of being the
young person in school or shortly after joining the Air Force. I had so many people
supporting me, rooting for me. Wanting me to succeed and pushing me up that hill.
Part way up that hill, a noise, possibly the call of a bird
or some other animal, caused me to turn my head and look back. I could see how
far I had already come. More importantly, I noticed that off my right shoulder
clouds were beginning to form. A storm might be brewing. I knew that it would
not start during my journey, so instead of fear, I took in its beauty. I
realized that it had been there all along, but my head down walking had made me
miss the awe of my surroundings. I once again equated it to my younger years
when I was so focused on doing the right things, on reaching for a goal, that I
had forgotten to take in how beautiful the world was, and I closed myself off
from enjoying what I had as part of my life.
The top of the hill made me swerve off my path for a gate
was closed across the road. How many times do we work hard at a path only to
find that it is blocked, it is not the right path. We worked to only have to
find a different path to move along.
I finally reached my first downhill. I can move faster, but
it does carry several twists and turns as it goes. The downslope gives a false
sense of security for the road is now paved and the hazards of the earlier roads
disappear. I start to take in more of the scenery. I notice that the dry lake bed
is now anything but. The flat area that normally allows for livestock to move
about is now covered with water. It is due to this lack of concentration that I
feel my feet slip and lose the normal stride. The “safe” road has a slight
angle to it and with this the melting snow of the last few days had made a
little stream to cross the pavement. Unfortunately, with the cold temperatures
of the night, this temporary stream froze. I slid a bit – no fall or injuries,
but I had been caught losing sight of my goal. Doesn’t this sound so much like
life? You finally get to a point where you can have a little less stress, you
can start to enjoy things only to be caught of guard when reality sneaks up on
you.
The rest of the first part of the loop equated to finally
getting in a position that works for you. It had some up hill and some down.
You could enjoy the surroundings while keeping your eye glancing at the road. Then
life sneaks up on you.
A dry lake bed – no more
I rounded the corner of the farthest point – not half way
but turning to head in a different direction. I know this path and am looking
forward to a nice downhill stretch. Just like life, this walk had different
thoughts. Those winds that had earlier seemed to be friendly and wanting to see
me succeed now turned on me.
I walked into a headwind. At first it seemed fine, but the
more I moved into the open, the more it grew. While measuring devices probably
tracked it at a mile or two, with the cold and nothing to block it, it felt
like gale force winds. It did not help that I now walked on the opposite side
of the no-longer dry lake bed. The choppy water slapped against the shore. As I
walked, I could feel that it hit the shore hard enough to throw droplets of
water into the air and right towards my face. The wet wind reminded me of the
winters in England. The cold moisture would penetrate any clothes and go right through
your skin and into the bones. I could feel my arms tightening up in the cold. How
many times do you feel as if you should be in a coasting period of life only to
find those who helped you in the past, or should be helping you now, are
actually the obstacles trying to force you from your path.
Finally, I reached the area that had me back within
neighborhoods. The winds, blocked, no longer held me back. I plateaued on the
roads. Just like life there comes a time when you seem to be moving along nice
and steady – not struggling but not coasting either. I moved forward now seeing
the end in sight – I was well over half-way.
The point that really seemed to mirror my life is the beginning
of the last third. The path turned to the left and it went up – really up. The
point where your energy is starting to fade; you find the most difficult of the
climb. I thought about how when people, like me, are in their fifties, it
should be the start of the downhill coast – it’s not. It is at this point that
the struggles to prove that you are still relevant begin. You are now set deep
into making your goal happen and you must struggle to juggle all that life has
given you.
Only during the last part of the walk did the uphill seem to
disappear. Some of the path went down, most was just even. Even with the lack
of uphill, the struggles of the damaged and icy road still popped up causing me
to stay alert and get through the obstacles.
Finally, I came to the front door. I met and conquered my
goal. Yet, the door was locked. I had to knock to gain entry. I saw this as one
of two parts to life. How many times do we find the proverbial door closed and
we must make a choice to knock or turn away? I also pictured this being the Heavenly
gates, and I know I will knock at and hope that it opens.
It is interesting as I look back at this walk. I realized
how many ups and downs my own life has had to date, and I know that there will
be so many. I know that my working to be healthy is supported by many – my family
and friends. I know that they are with me every step that I take. However, in
the end, I see that my life is my path. No matter the support and love, it is up
to me. I can decide to go an easy route but find that the end is nowhere as beautiful
as one that requires more work. The twists and turns of my life might be
slightly affected by outside items, but it is still my choice whether to stay
the course or turn. I have turned at times when I shouldn’t have. I have stayed
straight and struggled when there was an easier route. However, I am at the top
of a beautiful mountain – both literally and figuratively. I am happy that I
have reached this point and am anxious to see where the path goes next.
Reflections of Life
I must say that there were three other things that came up during
this walk. I saw a lot of death as I walked. We are in the middle of winter
(regardless of what the calendar says), and the trees are leafless and, due to
drought, many dead trees waiting to fall. Yet, at the same time, I saw new
life. I saw how the trees dropped the seeds for new life. That new life was
growing and popping. I realized that I could look at the death and sadness or
look at the hope of the future. This goes right along with the smells of the
day. Many times, I took in the smell of pine, but nature made sure I knew that
life isn’t always sweet. It also kicked the smell of the dirt road into my nostrils
and horse manure.
The last comparison of life was this voice in my head. How
often do we travel through life with a voice in our head telling us that we are
not good enough? That was my journey as well. I had my health app running
during the entire trip. Every half mile, the voice came on and she told me my
overall time, my split time, and my current pace. It was a voice telling me, “You’re
not good enough. You’re not fast enough. You should do better.” How often do we
sit there and let that voice talk to us in that way? Do you realize that that
is your own voice saying those things?
So, this was quite a journey for me during this walk. I went
through an entire life span. I saw the ups and downs. I struggled. I coasted. I
made my goal. I realized that life can only defeat me if I let it.
On a side note, I walked the same path today. The temps were
colder but there was no wind. The walk was easier, possibly due to different music
as well. It showed me that the same path can be walked twice, but due to obstacles
or items both within and outside of our control, the path is different. I can
sit and be upset that the path can be easier for some than others. I can sit and
question whether I should have taken a different path yesterday. I can… There
are so many I cans, I should have, I regret, I wish I had in life that we could
spend a life just looking at those.
Calmness
I thank for you for allowing me to meander with you. I hope
your path has less ups than downs.
Today was one of those days in which you get out of bed with excitement for the day, and then, with little warning or time gone, the day turns. I am not talking life shattering disastrous things – just little things – one right after another. The biggest problem is that with each thing that happened, I allowed myself to fall down the hole without a second thought. I not once tried to stop my mood from falling. I almost looked forward to seeing how far down, the day would go.
Then it happened. Facebook popped up with “We have memories for you.” I pushed it off. I didn’t want to walk down memory lane. I think in the back of my mind, I didn’t want something to cheer me up. I was totally ignoring everything I always tell our daughter. I totally wiped away the “no matter what happens, it is your choice on how you react.” Lunch came and I scanned my notifications on my phone. Once again, I saw that I had memories. I clicked on it.
Facebook reminded me, in so many ways that today is the second anniversary of my Mom’s passing. Stupid Facebook told me in memory post after memory post that she passed away on this day. The app took no worry in reminding me that this was the day in which we had to say good bye to the last parent – the woman who raised my brothers and me. I was ready to shut my office door and dig deeper into the hole. Then I noticed –
I saw that with the different posts from that day there were over 100, 150, 200 comments. I saw how many friends past and present reached out to me and my brothers that day. I saw the love, the prayers, the concerns, and the friendship.
Facebook reminded me of stories that people had shared. It showed me comments from people who never met my mom, but who just knew that she was a good person. I saw so many people wanting to help in any way possible. I saw that even on, one of my darkest days, I had a lot of love and support. I saw I was being stupid today.
My life today is in a much better place than I was on that day. I have been so lucky and fortunate in where my life has gone. My brothers are all still here and healthy. I have a beautiful wife who supports and loves me in so many ways. We have a daughter that trusts and loves us as she grows. We have friends that are dealing with so many problems.
How could I sit there and wallow away for such little issues?
I finished reading the posts. I wiped away my tear. I decided to work hard to change who I am.
Today, of any day, I have the right to be a little off. It would be easy for me to just toss in the towel. I cannot. I read those posts about my Mom and thought about how she would react had she seen me.
I will not say that this day does not have sadness connected to it. It also has love and support attached to it. In the last act of my Mom, I find love.
Mom – I still miss you every day, but thank you for smacking me in the head and telling me to knock it off.
Today I set out with a simple goal to climb up to the a place called Midnight Dome in Dawson City. We are traveling through the Yukon, and my wife saw this “little” hike listed on the local things to do. I asked at the front desk. The clerk informed me that the hike is on a paved road and not all that bad. She stated it took about four hours to complete. With that information, I decided to get up early and take on the challenge. What I didn’t realize was that I would come back very tired but also having learned a lesson on life. So, where and how did this lesson happen?
My watch vibrated at 4 a.m. I hit snooze and started debating whether the trek would be worth the loss of sleep. Ten minutes later and our daughter tapped me on the head. She had woken up, and was having problems getting back to sleep. I sat with her for a few minutes as she quickly drifted back to sleep. I listened in the quiet of the room to hear the birds already chirping away outside. The sunlight peaked under the blackout curtains. It looked the same as when I looked over at the window around midnight. The sun, having never really set, called for me to get dressed and get going.
I walked down the stairs and pushed the doors open very much like a baby leaving the warmth and darkness only to enter a cold and bright world. The temps were in the mid-40s and the sun was bright and welcoming.
I had the joy of walking by Jack London’s cabin. The story of Call of the Wild bounced in my mind as I turned to start up the path. I plugged in my earbuds to listen to music that I had hoped would bring me closer to nature and God. I found it interesting because as I walked, I came to realize that what I thought was going to be a means of drawing me into nature actually took me out of it. A short distance into the walk and the buds came out and the music went away. Now my ears were filled with the sounds of the birds, the breeze through the trees, and m breathing – very heavy breathing.
Then the life lesson started. As I climbed up the mountain, I realized that with almost every turn in the road, I would find that the incline grew steeper. I swear that at one point I was waiting to go inverted. The road continued with very little respite. By respite I mean that we dropped to less than a 45 degree incline. As I put one foot in front of the other, I started questioning my goal. Why had I chosen this? What exactly was the reward for completing the task? Was it worth my time?
Somewhere along the way, I met three young Australians coming down the road. I mention the fact that they are Australian only because I think they have the coolest accents. I looked at them with possibly the reddest face possible and asked if I was close. They smiled back and the youngest of the group shook his head and stated, “Sorry mate. You have quite a ways to go.”
The young lady in the group must have seen some disappointment in my face since she quickly added, “But hey…you’re closer now than you were when you first started.” Those words stuck with me as I walked.
I turned the corner that they had just come around only to find, yes, a steeper climb. I realized that this mountain was a metaphor for life. I came out of the hotel like that newborn described earlier. As I walked from the hotel to the bottom of the climb, the roads were pretty flat – the walk was not all that bad. There were some inclines, but just little training hills. I was learning. My muscles were getting the feel for what was to come. I even passed the house of one of my idols – just like a child idolizes people who have done something they want to do.
As I walked up the road, the path became more difficult, more tedious. At first, while I could sense what was to come, I handled the path without issue. I could equate this to my time after high school and through my early 20s. A couple of spots went steep, but quickly went flatter. During the 20s I tried new jobs, I tried new experiences, worked through relationships, but in the end, I knew I still had the support and guidance of my family. The woods opened up and I saw my first glimpse down into the valley. The picture of what was to come – the same as young adults get an idea as to what life will bring.
Then the work really started. I knew there was an apex at the end, a peak showing that I had accomplished what I set out to do. However, that final view, the sense of being on top would not come without work. I leaned forward and started working. My pacer counted off the half miles. Some went quicker than others – some went slower. Yet the count continued and did not stop.
All the while I monitored my time for I knew that I had to be back to the hotel so I could shower, have breakfast with the family, and start the day. I knew that sometimes; the needs of a family could stop one from reaching a goal – especially when the goal was solely for my own ego. I set a time limit and kept trudging along. I could start to feel aches in my legs, but I kept moving forward. I thought of the times when I had to sacrifice or give up other things in order to reach a goal. Still that pinnacle seemed to be so far away – it was.
Finally, my watch showed my stopping point. I had no clue how close to the top I had come. I had set a time and that time ran out. I stopped in the middle of the road and stared forward. My goal was not visible. The time to re-evaluate my goal had come. I realized that much like life, we set goals for ourselves and some of those goals are not reachable. This doesn’t mean that the goal can never be reached, but, perhaps, it needs to be done at a different time – or not at all.
I told myself that it was time to turn back and that I did. I started down the mountain. Disappointment set in. I felt like a failure. I gave a self-pity party for a minute. Then I started thinking. I got up (late which affected the time), but I got up. I walked as fast as I could with my Santa belly stuck out in front of me. I never stopped until the time clicked to signal an end. So many others were still asleep in the town, but here I stood far, “Closer than I was than when I started.”
I walked a couple of more minutes wondering how I could have done better. I ran through the process in my mind. It was then that I thought about the fact that I forgot a simple calculation. I split my time in half. Yet, it would not take me the same amount of time to come down as to go up. I turned around and allotted myself an extra fifteen minutes to climb. Once again, I leaned forward and up I went.
This goal could be compared to any goal that we set for ourselves. For me, I kept thinking about people working. I thought about them climbing the mountain of promotion and raises. I thought of how many times, I have worked to get ahead while at the same time worrying about making sure I was back for my family. My strides grew – my pace did not.
Once again, the watch ticked away and I reached the point of no return. I had, with a smile on my face, accepted that it was not to be. Prior to turning, I did see a little clearing ahead so I hoped to at least get a few photos. I approached the clearing and saw the road went a little left and forward. I took it for the right shot. As I turned the corner, I realized that I had reached the top. I made my goal. I conquered my mountain. I took some pictures and knew that I really had to head back. It took me so long to reach my goal, that I had very little time to take it in. I tried to look around and memorize everything so I could remember it forever. I then started down. I wanted to scream for joy, but didn’t want to disturb the silence. I wanted to leave a mark of some sort, but you do not destroy nature. I reached my goal and left it with no mark – no way for others to know what I did.
The path down made me think of life when work is done. I thought I could coast down and not have to work. WRONG! I started letting my feet just walk – hey it was downhill. However, this threw off my pace. I needed to continue to concentrate on what I was doing in order to make it to the end safely. All along the road was loose gravel and fresh tar. I understood that by not paying attention to my path, I was going to end up sliding down a lot faster than wanted. I chose my steps carefully for I didn’t want it to end to quickly nor did I want to suffer along the way. I did realize that there was more to take in. I saw views that I had missed because I had my head down as I worked towards my original goal. I worked so hard to get to the top that I missed so many things. My trip down allowed me to take those things in and enjoy what I was doing. Had I continued to work in the same fashion, I would have missed the two small foxes playing along the road.
As I reached the bottom of the road, I tried to remember the view that I had seen at the top. I could draw it back into my mind, but it was not the same vivid colors as when I first viewed the valleys. Already the memory was fading. I thought of those of the older generation. I could still pull up my pictures and remember the view. The struggle to do it in my head made me sad for those who cannot pull up beautiful memories or the names of loved one. Once down and in a safe place to close my eyes, the memories came back. For those that suffer from dementia, they never come back.
So, there we go. I heard of a nice “easy” hike. I thought I would do it to get some nice views and instead took a look at my life and how it works. I will still have goals. I will still work towards them. Perhaps though, I need to rethink what those goals are and what they bring me. Today – my goal brought me views that I will never see again. Today brought me joy. Today brought me a sense of accomplishment. Not all my goals will bring me that. Not all my goals are worth the time I give them.
Today I write for others and me. I write because I know that putting thoughts down on the fake piece of paper on the screen helps me to process all that is going on in my brain. I also write this post not for comments, but for people who are going through similar issues and can’t quite grasp what is going on. The last part is not an insult. I say that for it has taken me just shy of 53 years to just begin to understand.
Today’s lessons come from letting go.
This morning, for the first time in months, I headed out to exercise. This person who only a year and three months ago did a marathon could only walk – not even jog – 3 miles. I bet the sweat in my shirt could have filled a 2-liter bottle (I may be exaggerating that one). I so wanted to stay in the house. There were e-mails to read, news to watch, breakfast to make, etc. Yet, out I went – finally. Earbuds in, music on, and feet were moving – one foot in front of the other.
I really went today because I did not have the excuse of work. Today was day 2 of vacation. I had also promised my wife that I was going to try. So try I did. I let go of the excuses and “better” things to be doing and went.
I started off looking at the drivers and how they didn’t stop at intersections. I walked by noisy dogs barking. My pace not where it should have been. Then I let go. I let the music in (80’s revolution) and I stopped looking for the bad. I felt the warmth of the sun as it came the mountain. I relished the breeze that blew oh so gently. My pace quickened. I stopped looking for the bad, and started noticing the good around me. The smell of the flowers as they opened filled my nostrils. The gorgeous dogs that were being walked with what looked like grins on their faces. I realized that drivers were stopping at intersections and driveways as I walked along letting me pass instead of cutting me off. I waved an acknowledgement and received one in reply with a smile. Around the third wave, I realized that they were not just returning the wave, but the smile was reciprocal for I was smiling at them.
All of this set me up for a great day at the zoo with our daughter. I even found in the evening, while part of me was looking forward to a nap, I had energy so a second work out happened. But my walk opened up so much more to me about letting go.
I re-realized that I hold on to too many things – both materialistically and mentally. During my walk, I started thinking of what I would be giving up by letting so many of these things go. The answer was one I hated – life would be better. Why would I hate such an answer? It means that I have been wasting so much of my time and energy by holding on.
My wife used to watch a show called, “Biggest Loser.” I am sure most of you have heard of it. As the contestants struggled to lose weight, their trainers always worked with them to find out why they held on to the life that brought them to this point. They would tell the men and women that until they worked through that, they would just continue on the roller coaster of weight, but once they worked through the problem(s) the roller coaster would come in to the station and life would begin.
I know my current weight is my doing. Want the excuses – stress of work, the number of hours I worked, being too tired to get up and do it, obligations to the family, it’s not the beginning of the week (you can only start a program at the start of the week), it’s too cold, it’s too hot, I need to watch the news, I …
The real problem was none of these, but they sure made it easy to forget the elephant in the room. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t give time to me for that meant (supposedly) I was taking time away from someone or many. I was afraid to see what I could become and then look back on what I was.
The bigger issue was that this was not only with my weight. I stopped writing thinking that my work wasn’t good enough – though I really write for myself so what does that say about me as a critic. I would post things on Facebook and then worry whether or not I offended people (and if I did – delete). I would volunteer time and then get upset when people would recognize my efforts.
I had/have to let go of worrying about how people perceive me. I know I have written this before, but this is a problem that is bigger than just me. I continuously worry about this, and to make matters worse, it is not just the living for which I worry. I often sit and wonder how my parents, grandparents, passed friends would feel about who I am today.
I realized that I have a lot of doo doo of which to let go. I envy those who, at least appear, truly go through life not worried about how people see them. If they make enemies that means that they have taken a stand. If someone doesn’t like what they are doing – oh well. I may not become someone like that, but I definitely want to be a different me.
This was one hell of a walk today. I realized (for the one hundred trillionth time) that in my house were the only people that mattered – my wife and our daughter. People who stand behind me and support me no matter what. Two people who, just like in the real marathon, will always be at the finish line cheering me on. People who I would go the end of the earth for and slay every dragon to protect them. I realized that I needed to let everything else go in order to keep holding them for my arms are only so big.
This is now the summer of me (ok. Work through this. Let go of the fact that you are worried that this sounds selfish). I am going to be working on being a better me so we can be an even better family. I sat and jotted things down that I will need to do to make this happen. This will involve some meditation, prayer, prayer, and more prayer. It will involve writing down goals and caring them out. I will need to get up and leave things behind while I work-out to find the healthier me.
I will work on figuring out how to let people have their own opinion of me without it changing who or what I am. I will not stop helping people, but worry less about how people see that help. Work will continue – an honest day’s work for an honest day’s wage. I will start writing more and if that writing bothers people then maybe I am saying something that needs to be said. I will no longer delete because it may offend.
I will also let go of those who have passed. The memories I have our wonderful, and those I will keep. However, I will no longer worry about whether or not I am making them proud. I won’t worry if my decision would live up to their standards. I will remember them with a smile, but no longer allow them to control me.
This last part is the hardest, yet I feel that if I am successful at the above – it will happen. I will stop hiding and shying away from going out and enjoying life. Our daughter is only young once, and I refuse to stay home anymore because it is a party of function with a lot of people. I will celebrate every day, hour, minute, second with my family.
So this seems to be all about me – why am I posting it? I am posting it because in my circle I know too many who suffer similar issues. I hope that by my being willing to put all of my faults out there and let them go – hopefully it may help someone else.
So here is to all of you – you know who you are. Let’s turn this into the summer of letting go.
Today’s writing is not about lessons learned. It is about happy memories that I write just to have down on paper for when I am older and things aren’t so easily recalled.
Today is an anniversary for me – one that I never thought I would see. 12 years have come and gone since the original event. A dozen, which is impressive since the longest I had ever stuck with anything, was the 9+ years in the military. Let’s face it, that was not something I could just walk away from – they frown on people going AWOL. These last 12 years have been totally by choice, and I would not give them up for anything.
Nancy and I had been dating for seven months. At the age of 40, I was over the moon knowing that I had finally found a person to be in my life. I was ready to take the leap. I quietly found a way to measure a ring of hers and made the purchase. We had plans to spend the Memorial Day weekend in beautiful Monterey, California. Based on comments she made, I felt pretty confident that I had pulled off the surprise.
My family knew especially my mom since the question would be popped on her birthday. I apologize to my father-in-law since I did not contact him ahead of time. So today, I ask, “Mr. Arlington? Is it with your blessing that I take your daughter’s hand in marriage?” I should have asked then, but I didn’t want anyone who talked with Nancy knowing.
The night finally came. We picked a nice restaurant on Fisherman’s Wharf. A good meal, some wine, and a bulge in my pocket.
The conversation was light with a lot of laughs. At one point, Nancy hinted about us not getting any younger. A hint that she had used prior. I was prepared with my standard line. There were times that I had would hear Dr. Laura on the radio. I know a lot of people cannot stand her and her ways. I always found it interesting to hear the calls that would come in. The one thing I kept hearing her tell people was that they should date a year before taking the plunge. So when Nancy “hinted” again, I told her that Dr. Laura says one year.
Nancy pulled a fast one for which I was not prepared. She looked at me for a second, smiled, and said, “I wrote her.” What?!?!?!
I questioned whether this was a joke.
She then produced a printed copy of an e-mail. She had in fact written the show asking about this advice. I doubt Laura wrote the e-mail stated that at our mature age, we probably didn’t need to wait so long. I laughed and reached for the bulge.
The food was eaten and the wine was gone. It was time to leave the restaurant. I suggested that we stroll up to the end of the wharf to see the sunset. To my luck, the pier was empty except for a single couple at the other side.
We chatted. We looked at the waves striking the pier below. We took in the beauty of the sun setting in to the Pacific. It was quiet except for the calls of some seagulls. The time was right. I slipped the box out of my pocket while she looked west, to the future – our future. I silently dropped to a knee. She turned.
“Nancy. You are the person I was meant to be with. Will you be my best friend, my partner, my wife?”
Nancy let out a scream and hugged me like I have never been hugged. I could see the couple at the other end. The man started stepping towards us; I think he thought she was being attacked. The girl stopped him. She knew what was going on.
12 years ago this evening, this event took place. Yet when I close my eyes, I can still picture it perfectly. I can hear every sound. I can feel the warmth in my heart knowing that I finally had a person to be with me from that moment until eternity.
This past week has been interesting for me. I might be able to say that it was one of my better weeks. I still worked my normal hours. I still had the same amount of tasks ahead of me. The family schedule was still filled with activities. Yet, though most of my life was the same, one small change in my life made for a huge difference in how my week went.
Part of me wants to sit here wondering why I did not make this change earlier, and how much different things could be. Then again that would be falling back into old trappings. I am going to share this and then continue marching forward.
Here is the silly part of all of this. Had I just listened to myself or to my wife as we work with our daughter, had I just followed our advice to a ten year-old, I would have made this change so long ago.
For years I have suffered with wanting to have others like me, and worrying what I did wrong when that just didn’t happen. Even though we often tell our daughter not just be herself and understand that not everyone will like everyone. It is a fact of life. Yet, I am also struck with being a people-pleaser. This might be part of being the youngest of four boys or some other cause – who knows. I am who I am. It is not easy, and has caused me to be called a brown-noser and ass kisser. Things of which I am not.
Last week, I received an email that changed this. Who it was from or what it was about is irrelevant to this post. All I need to say is that it sent such a message that it changed things for me in a permanent way. The person made it quite clear that my help was not required and that in no way would it ever be requested. It also made it clear that no matter what I did or said, this person would never care for me.
When I received the email, at first my old-self stepped up. I wrote (and deleted) a number of emails trying to make things right. I wrote (and deleted) a number of apologies for things I may have done. I wrote (and deleted) emails asking if my assistance might be used in other means. Then, then it happened…
A voice went off in my head asking why I would even want to have anything to do with a person such as this. Why would I keep coming back like a beaten dog asking to be liked? What the hell was wrong with me?
I finally gave myself to permission to let go. I told myself that it was okay not to be liked by everyone. I realized that I was spending way too much time and energy on trying to make relationships where relationships did not exist. I followed the advice that we so often had given to our daughter. Be who you are. If people do not like you for that, so be it. Move on.
All of this leads me to this week. I started looking at more than just this one person. How many others had I been giving so much of my time and energy to who did not deserve, ask for, or want it. I stopped jumping in to situations solely on hoping to repair relationships that were never whole.
I cannot say that I no longer care about how people perceive me. I am working on that. I know who I am. I know what I have to offer. I have a better understanding of relationships. If I wrong someone, I will do all I can do to correct my wrong-doings. If someone doesn’t care for me just because of the person I am, well then I wish you well and I will continue on my path of life. I will no longer stop moving forward in hopes of having another walking the path with me.
The happiness I felt this week permeated into other aspects of my life. The weight off of my shoulders (weight I placed there) made me walk with a spring in my step (I actually danced at work – Okay, my version of dancing). I still had a lot to do. I still needed to help so many. The lack of worrying about how others perceived me made life easier.
Due to this, I am looking at other binds that are holding me back. Over the next week, I am going to be cleaning the garage and backroom. There are so many boxes filled with things from my past of which I store and never look at. How much baggage do those things bring with them? How much lighter will my step be when I start letting those things go?
